Compassionate Divorce: move into the next phase of your relationship, kindly.
Getting divorced is sad, scary, and difficult. When you're at the point where you know you cannot be together as spouses anymore, deciding how to separate assets and co-parent is super emotional and can be highly contentious. It's unfortunate that so many couples have to fight this out in court. Nobody "wins" in that environment.
Some couples, however, find themselves in a different place where they can collaborate and compromise and create a rational and fair plan together. That is my sweet spot. I work with individuals or couples committed to doing the divorce respectfully, fairly, and without court hearings.
I don't litigate adversarial divorces, but I hold space for soon-to-be-exes to explore how they can end the marriage without destroying each other emotionally or financially. Sometimes we're able to negotiate how to stay in some form of healthy partnership if that's what they need. I will provide a combination of empathy and logical process to navigate the "what ifs" and the "hows" of a post-divorce life.
My goal is to help divorcing individuals or couples come to all the necessary decisions needed to file a non-contested or stipulated package for self-help divorce. Please contact me if you're committed to being creative and compassionate as you work through this life changing transition.
Side note - if you're getting married, it's a great idea to enter into a premarital agreement (aka prenup) to help quell some concerns that often make marriage and divorce more challenging. Contact me for help on that front!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT MY PROCESS:
Some couples, however, find themselves in a different place where they can collaborate and compromise and create a rational and fair plan together. That is my sweet spot. I work with individuals or couples committed to doing the divorce respectfully, fairly, and without court hearings.
I don't litigate adversarial divorces, but I hold space for soon-to-be-exes to explore how they can end the marriage without destroying each other emotionally or financially. Sometimes we're able to negotiate how to stay in some form of healthy partnership if that's what they need. I will provide a combination of empathy and logical process to navigate the "what ifs" and the "hows" of a post-divorce life.
My goal is to help divorcing individuals or couples come to all the necessary decisions needed to file a non-contested or stipulated package for self-help divorce. Please contact me if you're committed to being creative and compassionate as you work through this life changing transition.
Side note - if you're getting married, it's a great idea to enter into a premarital agreement (aka prenup) to help quell some concerns that often make marriage and divorce more challenging. Contact me for help on that front!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT MY PROCESS:
- How much does it cost? I charge my hourly rate and the amount it costs totally depends on how long it takes! For this reason, I don't do flat fees. It costs $207 to file the forms, which you will do yourself.
- How long does it take? The quickest turnaround I've had is less than 2 hours. In those kinds of cases, the couple had no children, had already been separated for years, and had already agreed on how to split up their shared property. These are pretty straightforward - gathering the information, putting it to paper, and organizing documents for filing. The longest ones were about 20 hours, and they involved children, more than one property, lots of high-value assets, and deep emotions. In those, we'll have however many meetings we need to explore values, goals, feelings, expectations, fears, etc. Some situations merit creative solutions, such as choosing to not sell real estate and instead co-own the property after divorce. Those divorces take longer, but result in mutually beneficial outcomes that may not have been possible in an adversarial context.
- How do you decide who to work with? I talk to the potential client and have a bit of a rubric for deciding if I can help. I like to make sure the couple is aligned on some basic premises: we don't want to destroy each other + we want to come out of this as financially and emotionally whole as possible + we can work together with some compassionate and thoughtful assistance. Usually there is conflict and tension over some issues - it is still a divorce after all! But the couple is committed to resolving those issues using honest, respectful, and non-violent communication. I try to discern if there are any obvious abusive power imbalances or situations where one person really needs their own advocate with whom they can have confidential discussions. In those cases, shared representation would not be good and could be harmful and I would help the parties find a divorce litigator. Or, sometimes, we take a pause to allow for some professional counseling and then pick the divorce back up.
- So does that mean the couple has to hire you together, or can your client be just one of them? I am open to both situations, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes the parties are still aligned on those basic premises I listed above, but one of them is the "doer" in the relationship and will be the only one doing the legwork. In that case, I won't represent the party who doesn't plan to participate. I still focus on fair outcomes, I just don't communicate directly with both parties. I've also worked with couples where they each have their own lawyer and all four of us have agreed to work collaboratively and avoid court. So there is a spectrum!
- Do you take sides? In a shared representation, I owe a duty of loyalty to both clients and cannot keep information one shares confidential from the other. So in that sense, the answer is a firm "no". During our meetings, we cover a lot of issues such as what the law requires, what would a judge probably decide if this went to court, what would be practical, or what seems fair. I am confident in my ability to know when it's time to step in with opinions and suggestions. In fact, that is often what the couple wants and needs. They have come to an impasse on their own, and need help. But I don't just shout out my opinion forcefully - I help them understand the issues and make sure we're all connected and understanding the positions each person is taking and why they want what they want. I feel that my heart centered approach and empathetic nature, as well as my ability to think of creative solutions, is really helpful in these situations. This is the heart of the "amicable and compassionate" side of the work. I strive for consensus though, or at least a non-objection. Sometimes you have to compromise, but it's ideal if the clients aren't upset or regretful about a choice that was made during the divorce.
- How do you help us handle our heartbreak? Ah, this is the hardest part of doing divorce work. The easiest cases are when the relationship is so over the heartbreak has already been muted with time. But sometimes, the couple is still actively aching over the breakup while trying to move through the administrative hurdles of the divorce process. I do this work because I feel called to hold space for the sadness and be a source of light and ease by making this part of the process less horrible. Some of my most meaningful moments in this practice were times when I witnessed the couple crying together or moving through a major emotional hurdle. I am not a therapist, though, so I make sure not to take on too much or venture outside of my skill set. I do have some really good friends in the healing arts and therapeutic practices who I connect people with. But I am confident that having a lawyer with an open, loving heart and an obsession with talking about feelings can really help!
- What if we end up needing to go to court after all? This has never actually happened to me, as I have done a pretty good job of not taking on cases that are likely to end up in court. However, if this happens, it will probably be because your interests diverge and you can no longer work together. I will do my best to find referrals for you, and hopefully the progress we made will be useful for your new lawyers.
- Everything is so confusing! Where do I start? The process of filing the Self-Help Divorce paperwork is pretty straightforward once you're used to it, and I have done a lot of these. My job is to break it down into manageable steps and guide you through. I would start by setting up a consultation with me to see if we are aligned and want to work together. I'll get you set up!
Disclaimer: all information on my website is for general education purposes, does not constitute legal advice, and does not create an attorney-client relationship.